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December 2002
A staple of car advertising is the old "I surprised my honey with the gift of a new car!" ad. You've seen them: one spouse figures out a cute way to sneak a car key into the hands of his/her mate (I'm really hoping for one that features someone stuffing it into a pork chop or perhaps a "SO YOU'VE GOT CANCER!" flyer), and the momentarily perplexed giftee quickly adopts an expression of holy shit-ness and then spastically whips his/her neck around to the window to behold the iconic shiny new car reposing in the thoroughly upper-middle-class driveway, usually with a big fucking ribbon on top, leaving the reader to wonder exactly how the giftee managed to enter the home without noticing that an enormous piece of mysterious machinery was quietly squatting just off the lawn like some weird magical toad waiting for the kiss of his appropriately-keyed princess.
It doesn't make much sense. So, fuck it, I wrote one of my own.
(Spot begins with shot of upper-middle-class home, aggressively clapboarded. The WIFE enters the house and encounters her not-quite-but-almost paunchy HUSBAND. He's fucking adorable, and knows it.)
WIFE: Hi, honey!
HUSBAND: Hi, sweetie! I've got a surprise for you!
W: Oh? What's that?
(The HUSBAND produces a tray of oysters.)
H: Oysters! Just for you! Because I love you.
W: Oh my God! You're so sweet! That's so romantic.
(The WIFE reaches for an oyster, but is stopped by the HUSBAND.)
H: Not that one. I ruined that one. Actually, I ruined all of them. These fucking things don't keep at all. I don't get it. It was only a week in the guest bathtub. These are totally pussy oysters. Anyway! Take this one.
(The HUSBAND points out one startling oyster. It has been duct-taped shut.)
W: What's this? God, this is . . . yick.
H: Just open it! Little fuckers don't like to close back up after they goddamn die. Stubborn goddamn crappy oysters.
W: Uh . . . boy. Okay.
(The WIFE opens the oyster. Inside is a LEXUS car key sitting atop a dispiriting grey mass of former oyster meat. The WIFE squeals.)
W: What? Wha--? Is this . . .?
H: (Beaming) That's right. It's a gorilla-cock huge Lexus, my darling. Merry Christmas!
W: AAAAAHHH! Oh my God! This is . . . I love you! I love you! I . . . ah . . . hold on. Aren't these things around fifty thousand dollars?
H: Oh yeah.
W: But . . . my God . . . where did you get the money? I mean, where did you get our money? We both have to pay for this, right? What the fuck, Jake?
H: Now, now, calm down. It's okay. I . . . I handled it. I cut some expenses. Because I wanted this for you. I don't want to get into all this, I just . . . oh, gosh. Look. Don't make a big deal out of this, but I . . . I'll just say it. I gave up my mistress.
W: You WHAT?
H: I gave her up. I wanted you to have this. I really did.
W: Your MISTRESS?
H: Yeah. You know Inez. She's in billing? Christ, she's cost me a fortune. Jesus, I spent thousands just on cab fare.
W: I . . . I don't know what to say . . . Why? Why, Jake, why? WHY DID YOU DO THIS?
H: Well, the horrible little scag got knocked up. I'm not boning any pregnant broads. Gross.
W: This is . . . this is . . . amazing. You did that for me? Oh, God, Jake, you're the best.
H: Oh, you're welcome, baby.
W: You know what we should do? Right now?
H: What's that?
W: We should fire Inez.
H: I'll tell you what. You drive.
W: And you can call INS.
H: Word to yo mutha! (HUSBAND makes upsettingly inept rapper gestures.) Or, rather, word to the mutha of my illegitimate child, who is going to be deported back to Cuba tomorrow!
H&W: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
BUTTERY PROFESSIONAL VOICEOVER: Lexus. Everyone else can go fuck themselves.
Note: Comments are closed on old entries.
Comments
You dirty bunch of baboons forgot all about Skot's one year anniversary of inflicting the internet with his inanities. Shame.
SHAME!
Oh, and as a gift, you can find the keys to your brand new goddamn Lexus in the bunghole of your...
[NO CARRIER]
That is superb. If I had the dough, I'd pay to have it filmed and broadcast.
Also, happy anniversary, funny man.
Oh geez, I'm having a Law & Order flashback.
No... wait... I'm just remembering last night's episode.
I remember a rare funny moment on Saturday Night Live maybe last year, a fake commercial for Giant Car Bows. (Where do they get those things?)
Now THAT is reality.
Oh geez, I'm having a Law & Order flashback.
No... wait... I'm just remembering last night's episode.
Heh. You know, Brenda, I didn't even think about it at the time, but you're right: I totally imported that story line into the fake ad; I watched that episode last night too. How bizarre that I didn't even know I was doing it.
So what you're saying is that after one year, you've started stealing from the networks, and Law and Order is now running story lines about bad shellfish?
Carry on.
No, the bad shellfish episode was *last* week.
What does this tell us?
That Law & Order is running out of ideas....
Happy Anniversary!
Actually, for their body size, gorillas have relatively small penises.
That's what a friend of mine told me, anyway.
Brilliant. Beautiful love story (except that Cuban refugees don't get deported). I always thought those obtrusive diamond ads that seem to involve bribing your wife were confusing--are married men that desperate? Unless they really are for your mistress and the commercial conceals that.
I thought a good tagline for the diamond ads might be "Because she doesn't seem to love you anymore."
But I like your tagline better.
(Can someone explain the L&O storyline? Did they steal my secret food poisoning murder idea? Crud. But I was going to use egg salad.)
Yeah, gorillas have only one inch cocks. I read that in a book that was fille with the truth. So, your little story isn't funny. Take that, sucka!
i always wondered if you could arrange for the dealership to have a illegal immigrant valet (i imagine only the illegals have to work on christmas at a lexus dealership) drive the car up and put the bow on, in a precise, synchronize-our-watches, mission: impossible style endeavour.
Daimler-Chrysler has recently started running similar ads, suggesting a fly benzo is what your SO really wants.
That explains why I, a tormented illegitimate Cuban teenager with strange Norwegian features, am named "Cadillac.."
Yeah, gorillas have only one inch cocks.
I'm not exactly sure why, but this news strikes me as just really depressing. Then I wonder why for God's sake I care. And then I wonder what I can do to stop from thinking about the topic of gorilla cocks.
See, this is why I drink.
I don't know where they usually get the bows, but my step-dad leased a new car for my Mom for Christmas and they drove all over on Christmas Eve day looking for a bow. They found it at a furniture store. They put the bow on at the bottom of the driveway, knowing she'd see them driving up to the house.
The bow should have been bigger, but what can ya do?
Picture:
http://www.daymented.com/vacation_2002.htm
You can get a bow at any standard party store. I know, because I just bought my wife an Infiniti for her birthday.
Miel-
Is this what you had in mind?
Brenda! So cool. How did you do that? The bizarre thing is how well it works...I hope they give us some the money when they start the advertising campaign.
I miss the comments from entry #1.
my bad, I meant #2.
http://www.izzlepfaff.com/blog/archives/000002.php
arg, I mean #4.
http://www.izzlepfaff.com/blog/archives/000004.php
smoke wizzle fo shizzle my nizzle
whaaaat up my last name is pfaff too
Otherwise, we are doing what campaigns are supposed to do before a debate: lowering
expectations. That is difficult in my case, as we are already just where a campaign would
want to be. Going for me are, let’s see, age 94, emphysema, arthritis, nearly deaf, no
experience debating, didn’t read the newspapers this morning. All that is finally an asset!
Love to you all!
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