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Thursday, 04 December
I Was Born For Advertising

A staple of car advertising is the old "I surprised my honey with the gift of a new car!" ad. You've seen them: one spouse figures out a cute way to sneak a car key into the hands of his/her mate (I'm really hoping for one that features someone stuffing it into a pork chop or perhaps a "SO YOU'VE GOT CANCER!" flyer), and the momentarily perplexed giftee quickly adopts an expression of holy shit-ness and then spastically whips his/her neck around to the window to behold the iconic shiny new car reposing in the thoroughly upper-middle-class driveway, usually with a big fucking ribbon on top, leaving the reader to wonder exactly how the giftee managed to enter the home without noticing that an enormous piece of mysterious machinery was quietly squatting just off the lawn like some weird magical toad waiting for the kiss of his appropriately-keyed princess.

It doesn't make much sense. So, fuck it, I wrote one of my own.


(Spot begins with shot of upper-middle-class home, aggressively clapboarded. The WIFE enters the house and encounters her not-quite-but-almost paunchy HUSBAND. He's fucking adorable, and knows it.)

WIFE: Hi, honey!

HUSBAND: Hi, sweetie! I've got a surprise for you!

W: Oh? What's that?

(The HUSBAND produces a tray of oysters.)

H: Oysters! Just for you! Because I love you.

W: Oh my God! You're so sweet! That's so romantic.

(The WIFE reaches for an oyster, but is stopped by the HUSBAND.)

H: Not that one. I ruined that one. Actually, I ruined all of them. These fucking things don't keep at all. I don't get it. It was only a week in the guest bathtub. These are totally pussy oysters. Anyway! Take this one.

(The HUSBAND points out one startling oyster. It has been duct-taped shut.)

W: What's this? God, this is . . . yick.

H: Just open it! Little fuckers don't like to close back up after they goddamn die. Stubborn goddamn crappy oysters.

W: Uh . . . boy. Okay.

(The WIFE opens the oyster. Inside is a LEXUS car key sitting atop a dispiriting grey mass of former oyster meat. The WIFE squeals.)

W: What? Wha--? Is this . . .?

H: (Beaming) That's right. It's a gorilla-cock huge Lexus, my darling. Merry Christmas!

W: AAAAAHHH! Oh my God! This is . . . I love you! I love you! I . . . ah . . . hold on. Aren't these things around fifty thousand dollars?

H: Oh yeah.

W: But . . . my God . . . where did you get the money? I mean, where did you get our money? We both have to pay for this, right? What the fuck, Jake?

H: Now, now, calm down. It's okay. I . . . I handled it. I cut some expenses. Because I wanted this for you. I don't want to get into all this, I just . . . oh, gosh. Look. Don't make a big deal out of this, but I . . . I'll just say it. I gave up my mistress.

W: You WHAT?

H: I gave her up. I wanted you to have this. I really did.

W: Your MISTRESS?

H: Yeah. You know Inez. She's in billing? Christ, she's cost me a fortune. Jesus, I spent thousands just on cab fare.

W: I . . . I don't know what to say . . . Why? Why, Jake, why? WHY DID YOU DO THIS?

H: Well, the horrible little scag got knocked up. I'm not boning any pregnant broads. Gross.

W: This is . . . this is . . . amazing. You did that for me? Oh, God, Jake, you're the best.

H: Oh, you're welcome, baby.

W: You know what we should do? Right now?

H: What's that?

W: We should fire Inez.

H: I'll tell you what. You drive.

W: And you can call INS.

H: Word to yo mutha! (HUSBAND makes upsettingly inept rapper gestures.) Or, rather, word to the mutha of my illegitimate child, who is going to be deported back to Cuba tomorrow!

H&W: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

BUTTERY PROFESSIONAL VOICEOVER: Lexus. Everyone else can go fuck themselves.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

You dirty bunch of baboons forgot all about Skot's one year anniversary of inflicting the internet with his inanities. Shame.

SHAME!

Comment number: 002019   Posted by: avogadro on December 4, 2003 04:39 AM from IP: 24.75.116.130

Oh, and as a gift, you can find the keys to your brand new goddamn Lexus in the bunghole of your...

[NO CARRIER]

Comment number: 002020   Posted by: avogadro on December 4, 2003 04:43 AM from IP: 24.75.116.130

That is superb. If I had the dough, I'd pay to have it filmed and broadcast.

Also, happy anniversary, funny man.

Comment number: 002021   Posted by: senn on December 4, 2003 07:42 AM from IP: 137.53.85.134

Oh geez, I'm having a Law & Order flashback.

No... wait... I'm just remembering last night's episode.

Comment number: 002022   Posted by: Brenda on December 4, 2003 08:18 AM from IP: 128.248.232.100

I remember a rare funny moment on Saturday Night Live maybe last year, a fake commercial for Giant Car Bows. (Where do they get those things?)

Comment number: 002024   Posted by: abby on December 4, 2003 08:44 AM from IP: 4.43.250.58

Now THAT is reality.

Comment number: 002025   Posted by: Stacey on December 4, 2003 09:41 AM from IP: 129.106.21.180

Oh geez, I'm having a Law & Order flashback.

No... wait... I'm just remembering last night's episode.

Heh. You know, Brenda, I didn't even think about it at the time, but you're right: I totally imported that story line into the fake ad; I watched that episode last night too. How bizarre that I didn't even know I was doing it.

Comment number: 002026   Posted by: Skot on December 4, 2003 09:52 AM from IP: 140.107.120.123

So what you're saying is that after one year, you've started stealing from the networks, and Law and Order is now running story lines about bad shellfish?

Carry on.

Comment number: 002027   Posted by: anapestic on December 4, 2003 10:27 AM from IP: 66.160.108.162

No, the bad shellfish episode was *last* week.

What does this tell us?

That Law & Order is running out of ideas....

Happy Anniversary!

Comment number: 002028   Posted by: April on December 4, 2003 10:52 AM from IP: 167.159.1.249

Actually, for their body size, gorillas have relatively small penises.

That's what a friend of mine told me, anyway.

Comment number: 002031   Posted by: lonely primatologist on December 4, 2003 04:31 PM from IP: 128.118.248.164

Brilliant. Beautiful love story (except that Cuban refugees don't get deported). I always thought those obtrusive diamond ads that seem to involve bribing your wife were confusing--are married men that desperate? Unless they really are for your mistress and the commercial conceals that.

I thought a good tagline for the diamond ads might be "Because she doesn't seem to love you anymore."

But I like your tagline better.

(Can someone explain the L&O storyline? Did they steal my secret food poisoning murder idea? Crud. But I was going to use egg salad.)

Comment number: 002032   Posted by: Miel on December 5, 2003 12:02 AM from IP: 68.163.99.24

Yeah, gorillas have only one inch cocks. I read that in a book that was fille with the truth. So, your little story isn't funny. Take that, sucka!

Comment number: 002033   Posted by: Anil on December 5, 2003 01:32 AM from IP: 66.108.17.12

i always wondered if you could arrange for the dealership to have a illegal immigrant valet (i imagine only the illegals have to work on christmas at a lexus dealership) drive the car up and put the bow on, in a precise, synchronize-our-watches, mission: impossible style endeavour.

Daimler-Chrysler has recently started running similar ads, suggesting a fly benzo is what your SO really wants.

Comment number: 002034   Posted by: drew on December 5, 2003 02:32 AM from IP: 12.225.146.200

That explains why I, a tormented illegitimate Cuban teenager with strange Norwegian features, am named "Cadillac.."

Comment number: 002035   Posted by: david on December 5, 2003 07:42 AM from IP: 202.137.86.179

Yeah, gorillas have only one inch cocks.

I'm not exactly sure why, but this news strikes me as just really depressing. Then I wonder why for God's sake I care. And then I wonder what I can do to stop from thinking about the topic of gorilla cocks.

See, this is why I drink.

Comment number: 002036   Posted by: Skot on December 5, 2003 08:06 AM from IP: 140.107.120.123

I don't know where they usually get the bows, but my step-dad leased a new car for my Mom for Christmas and they drove all over on Christmas Eve day looking for a bow. They found it at a furniture store. They put the bow on at the bottom of the driveway, knowing she'd see them driving up to the house.
The bow should have been bigger, but what can ya do?
Picture:
http://www.daymented.com/vacation_2002.htm

Comment number: 002037   Posted by: dayment on December 5, 2003 10:11 AM from IP: 66.167.53.14

You can get a bow at any standard party store. I know, because I just bought my wife an Infiniti for her birthday.

Comment number: 002038   Posted by: PLC on December 5, 2003 10:50 AM from IP: 131.107.3.92

Miel-

Is this what you had in mind?

Comment number: 002039   Posted by: Brenda on December 5, 2003 02:29 PM from IP: 128.248.232.100

Brenda! So cool. How did you do that? The bizarre thing is how well it works...I hope they give us some the money when they start the advertising campaign.

Comment number: 002040   Posted by: Miel on December 6, 2003 11:51 PM from IP: 68.163.99.24

I miss the comments from entry #1.

Comment number: 002041   Posted by: mike on December 7, 2003 12:22 PM from IP: 216.173.212.234

my bad, I meant #2.

http://www.izzlepfaff.com/blog/archives/000002.php

Comment number: 002042   Posted by: mike on December 7, 2003 12:23 PM from IP: 216.173.212.234

arg, I mean #4.

http://www.izzlepfaff.com/blog/archives/000004.php

Comment number: 002043   Posted by: mike on December 7, 2003 12:25 PM from IP: 216.173.212.234

smoke wizzle fo shizzle my nizzle

whaaaat up my last name is pfaff too

Comment number: 003355   Posted by: jake pfaff on June 4, 2004 10:42 PM from IP: 205.188.116.136


Otherwise, we are doing what campaigns are supposed to do before a debate: lowering

expectations. That is difficult in my case, as we are already just where a campaign would

want to be. Going for me are, letís see, age 94, emphysema, arthritis, nearly deaf, no

experience debating, didnít read the newspapers this morning. All that is finally an asset!

Love to you all!

Comment number: 004631   Posted by: Sara on November 12, 2004 04:02 PM from IP: 66.193.225.182

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