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skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com

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Wednesday, 17 September
We Face Follicular Armageddon

I HAVE EAR HAIR.

This is horrible. And it's not what you're thinking: I don't actually have wiry black hairs sprouting from the deep recesses of my ear-holes, though that's a happy thing to countenance for later. No, I was just shaving the other night, and I noticed the outer ridges of my ears: they had this fine spray of hairs reaching out their skinny arms to refract the light (which is very nearly a Godspeed You Black Emperor! album title). I toyed with them for a moment, intrigued: what the fuck could they possibly be for? The answer was clear. To irritate me, and to make me even more neurotically aware of my remorseless mortality. I quickly identified their leader; it was a purely white motherfucker that was a good two inches long, and was shrewdly concealing itself by coiling around the back of my ear-ridge. I savagely pulled it out and questioned it. "Vile ear hair!" I screamed. "You thought I wouldn't find you! You are vanquished!"

The dying ear hair was unrepentant to the end. "Stupid man," it sneered, "you think you've won. You have not."

"I have plucked you! I have plucked you! My ear ridges are triumphantly smooth again!" I railed desperately.

"Fool," it whispered. "Check your nose. Check your shoulders. We are coming. You are finished." It finally expired in my hand, and I pitched it into the trash.

Trembling, I checked my nose. I checked my shoulders.

Fuck.

I don't know how long I'll be able to transmit these messages. I am being overrun. I will hold out as long as I can, but I fear my heroic plucking and yanking and searing-with-cigarettes are only token gestures; soon I will meet my depilatory Waterloo. And then . . . and then . . .

I will simply just be The Hair. I will be transformed into a living mass of hair, and The Hair will rule What Once Was Skot. My wife will look at me, and outwardly I will appear normal, but when I speak to her, it will not be Skot who speaks: it will be The Hair.

"I love you," she will say.

"I REQUIRE APPLE PECTIN!" The Hair will reply.

"You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I think you're getting weirder," the wife will tiredly respond.

"I AM THICK AND LUXURIANT. THIS IS A GOOD HOST." The Hair will observe, while the wife sighs and clicks the TV remote.

"You want to watch anything in particular?" she'll ask, clearly not listening any more; this is hardly the first time her "husband" has lapsed into utter nonsense.

"WE SHALL WATCH QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY. KYAN SPEAKS FOR THE HAIR. WE SHALL AWAIT HIS HOLY WORDS!"

The Hair will soon be firmly in charge. Remember me. Remember me fondly. For as long as you can. For I think that soon, we will all succumb to The Hair.

Confess | Skot | 17 Sep, 2003 |

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

You poor old thing!!! You're getting old ~sigh~

Comment number: 001489   Posted by: Anna on September 18, 2003 04:29 AM from IP: 212.136.78.25

For a mere 3 easy payments of $19.99, I can send you a miracle device which installs on your shower head and will dispense dipilatory cream with the water. You'll be smooth as a baby.

Comment number: 001490   Posted by: i on September 18, 2003 05:00 AM from IP: 64.8.202.186

Kyan would recommend a waxing. If that fails -- it's all about the product. Ear Hair Molding Paste and Pomade.

Comment number: 001491   Posted by: stennie on September 18, 2003 08:31 AM from IP: 68.165.20.70

On the bright side, here's something to strive for: Guinness!

Comment number: 001492   Posted by: Mark the Bowler on September 18, 2003 09:21 AM from IP: 66.120.241.74

Don't ever pluck a Party Hair! It's bad luck!

Comment number: 001493   Posted by: dayment on September 18, 2003 09:46 AM from IP: 12.228.171.123

I believe the band is Godspeed You! Black Emperor.

Comment number: 001494   Posted by: Sumana on September 18, 2003 10:09 AM from IP: 209.157.148.215

I believe the band is Godspeed You! Black Emperor.

They periodically change the location of the question mark depending, apparently, on some unknowable Coolness Index that mere mortals are not privy to.

Comment number: 001495   Posted by: Skot on September 18, 2003 10:21 AM from IP: 140.107.120.123

So start plucking like a woman and shut up!! ;)

Comment number: 001496   Posted by: Stacey on September 18, 2003 11:00 AM from IP: 129.106.21.180

They periodically change the location of the question mark

It's an exclamation point! Maybe the ear hair is growing into your brain and shorting out the synapses.

Comment number: 001497   Posted by: P. E. Dant on September 18, 2003 11:30 AM from IP: 146.7.42.38

It's an exclamation point!

Oh, it's a banner day for Skot, it is. Jesus God.

Comment number: 001498   Posted by: Skot on September 18, 2003 11:43 AM from IP: 140.107.120.123

Wa-ooooooo Werewolf of Renton!

An old boyfriend had the same issue at the tender age of 27. I thought it was kind of cute.

Comment number: 001499   Posted by: Amy on September 18, 2003 12:17 PM from IP: 4.64.201.211

Yeah, well if it was so cute, why's he an "old" boyfriend then, huh?

Comment number: 001500   Posted by: i on September 18, 2003 04:55 PM from IP: 138.88.148.92

not *that* cute, apparently...

Comment number: 001501   Posted by: carana88 on September 18, 2003 09:27 PM from IP: 64.65.186.214

Wait! Before you are assimilated- I have to know, What is an Izzle Pfaff?!

Comment number: 001502   Posted by: heather on September 19, 2003 11:17 AM from IP: 63.227.131.182

What is an Izzle Pfaff?!

Oh fercryin'outloud... ain't you got no learnin'? It's the sound made when a walleyed badger comes. Well, technically, the "izzle" is kind of the badger "ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohhh..." type of thing you may have heard on occasion from ordinary humans, and the "pfaff" is the actual ejaculation sound. Note that the "pfaff" is generally rather more pronounced... you really don't want to be on the receiving end of a badger load. Put yer eye out.

Sorry, long week.

Comment number: 001503   Posted by: ColdForged on September 19, 2003 01:12 PM from IP: 66.152.60.98

Wrong.

Izzle Pfaff! is a snarf word.

More than this, you need not know.

Comment number: 001504   Posted by: Cat on September 19, 2003 01:29 PM from IP: 208.27.203.128

Party hair?

Comment number: 001507   Posted by: mike whybark on September 19, 2003 03:51 PM from IP: 216.173.212.237

Never mind party hair - start to worry when you have to decide which side to part your ear hair on.

Comment number: 001990   Posted by: dg on December 2, 2003 11:46 PM from IP: 144.137.129.192

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