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Thursday, 10 July
Cryptic Instructions About Food

Corn should be eaten by rolling the cob vertically and eating in neat strips. "Typewriter" style eating methods are unacceptable, unless one is a socialist.

Avoid weirdo foods. These include: Gravlax. Quinoa. Spaetzle. Substitute juniper berries when in doubt.

Herring! Say it a few times, and it will sound like a brand of bubble gum. It is not.

Peas are to be worshipped. Unjacket them and admire their green vulnerable nudity. Get nude yourself if you wish. Place one in your bellybutton. Listen to it. It speaks volumes. Learn. Then eat that tasty fucker.

Figs? Figs? Figs.

Jerky should be eaten often. Do it for Jeremy Piven. Do it for the forgotten Thessalians. Do it.

Eggs are of course a staple. This common household item is associated with the feminine, and as such, should be routinely maltreated. Pay them less than you do your celery. Exclude them from opportunity. Encourage them to flounce.

It is inadvisable to serve juice without bursting through a brick wall and screaming "OH YEAH!" Inform the EMTs that the little Hawaiian Punch dude is a total pussy. Wear your scalp wounds like a badge, a badge that says, "Damn, I serve good juice."

Eggplant requires very little. A bit of salt, a touch of pepper, and then grill delicate slices, drizzling them with olive oil. Grill marks are a plus. When they have browned perfectly, remove them from the grill onto a platter. Then take the platter out into the street and throw it at passing cars. That way, you don't have to eat any disgusting fucking eggplant.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

A-Fucking-Men to the eggplant comment!

Comment number: 001128   Posted by: KOTWF on July 11, 2003 04:32 AM from IP: 65.194.128.137

1. For the whole of my permanent-toothed life I have been chastized by my family for eating my corn on the cob vertically. Thank you for the vindication. Validation? One of those.

2. When being served peas with your tuna casserole, don't settle for them as a side dish. Pick them up spoonily and put them on top of your tuna casserole as if they were an ingredient. You'll be happy. Or as happy as one can be eating tuna casserole.

3. Eggs are feminine. Back them into a corner and breathe on their glasses.

4. Eggplant requires one thing. It's in that family of vegetables that are generally edible only when fried. Eggplant, okra, squash...

5. Oh, and raw cauliflower dipped in cocktail sauce is the best snack ever.

Comment number: 001129   Posted by: Bet on July 11, 2003 06:53 AM from IP: 205.242.228.31

Oh, wow. I'm a socialist!

Comment number: 001130   Posted by: Rickie Beth on July 11, 2003 07:30 AM from IP: 67.80.104.49

You mean some people make tuna casserole *without* peas in it? I'm for strong legislation.

I'm with you on the corn.

I've never tried cauliflower in cocktail sauce. Sounds promising. I don't know if it can displace soda crackers and Cheez Whiz, though.

Comment number: 001131   Posted by: Chaz on July 11, 2003 08:12 AM from IP: 65.203.76.110

Naw. White rice with Bulls-Eye barbecue sauce...

Comment number: 001132   Posted by: Vidiot on July 11, 2003 09:53 AM from IP: 165.247.28.103

So I eat corn like a typewriter. You eat it like an adding machine?

Comment number: 001136   Posted by: moose on July 11, 2003 11:19 AM from IP: 216.161.137.176

DAYMENTED TUNA CASSEROLE
1/2 an onion
A couple chopped cloves of garlic
Some butter
1 big or two small cans chunk light tuna, drained
Can of Cream of Asparagus (or celery, or mushroom) soup
Cream or Milk
1/2 a small bag of frozen peas
Bag of wide egg noodles
A small can of those French's Fried Onions
4 oz. sour cream (1/2 of a small container)
Saute chopped onion and garlic in butter until soft. Cook and drain noodles. Warm peas in the microwave for a couple minutes (they don't have to be fully cooked). Mix everything into a large casserole except 1/2 the can of French's Fried Onions. Add milk or cream as needed (it gets much thicker as it bakes) and loads of salt and pepper. Bake covered for 30 minutes at 350. Sprinkle the remaining half a can of fried onions and cook uncovered another 5-8 minutes.
*If you don't like those fried onions, you can substitute cheddar flavored potato chips. Or that's what I'm told.

Comment number: 001137   Posted by: dayment on July 11, 2003 11:46 AM from IP: 12.228.110.143

Dude, You're one bizarre guy. I can't read a post without cracking up. Also, I've always said i was, and my corn-eating habits confirm that I am, indeed, a socialist. Also, gotta differ with the eggplant. Childhood trauma involving a rampaging eggplant in a picture-book has left me terrified of them. They're so...insidious looking, like at any moment the're going to sprout legs and arms, hatchet already in hand, and come after me.

Comment number: 001138   Posted by: Stv. on July 11, 2003 12:32 PM from IP: 24.76.115.175

I tend to eat my corn by scrolling vertically AND eating horizontally... So I get nice diagonal strips. Does that make me some kind of crooked socialist? Or maybe somewhere in between socialist and ?

Comment number: 001139   Posted by: Ryan Waddell on July 11, 2003 04:39 PM from IP: 65.49.78.17

This is the funniest thing ever. I am dead.
Eggplants are cut from the team.

Comment number: 001140   Posted by: dr gonzo on July 11, 2003 10:01 PM from IP: 63.206.88.199

Why you gonna do spaetzle like that. It's not so weird to the Germans anyway. I hear they're importing tech talent, so maybe you could aquire a taste for buttery little noodle nuggets. I mean really, spaetzle.

Comment number: 001141   Posted by: Daniel Talsky on July 12, 2003 09:38 AM from IP: 216.231.50.124

Peas are vile, but you are funny, so you win.

Comment number: 001142   Posted by: brittney on July 12, 2003 12:03 PM from IP: 68.52.187.216

You do indeed rock.

Comment number: 001143   Posted by: Trance on July 12, 2003 06:54 PM from IP: 12.247.151.18

I eat my corn like a socialist (I did so tonight!). I guess it's time to turn in my libertarian membership and start pushing for nationalized health care. *sighs*

Comment number: 001144   Posted by: Dave Adams on July 12, 2003 08:41 PM from IP: 66.143.220.226

someone needs his own cooking show. complete with throwing food at cars segments.

Comment number: 001145   Posted by: j on July 12, 2003 09:35 PM from IP: 64.168.27.175

You seem to have confused your crimson childhood beverages. The Hawaiian Punch dude has never busted through a wall in his life.

OH YEAH!!!!

Comment number: 001146   Posted by: Kool Aid guy on July 13, 2003 02:09 PM from IP: 152.3.228.82

That's what makes the Hawaiian Punch dude such a pussy, DUH! I guess you've sported a few too many scalp wounds, yourself, big guy...

Comment number: 001147   Posted by: S on July 14, 2003 02:32 PM from IP: 63.228.103.10

Loved it, but you lost me in one place...what does Jeremy Piven have to do with eating jerky?

Comment number: 001148   Posted by: confusion reigns on July 14, 2003 02:38 PM from IP: 63.228.103.10

what does Jeremy Piven have to do with eating jerky?

You had no issues with the Thessalians, huh? Ooookay. God, I don't know, I just pulled it out of my Big Book of Horseshit.

Comment number: 001149   Posted by: Skot on July 14, 2003 03:28 PM from IP: 140.107.120.123

To find out what Jeremy Piven has to do with jerky, watch Spanking The Monkey.

Comment number: 001150   Posted by: beigy on July 14, 2003 04:38 PM from IP: 12.228.174.175

I just snorted my Kool-Aid out my nose. Is that an acceptable use of Kool-Aid, or does it ruin the delicate underflavorings?

Comment number: 001151   Posted by: Romy on July 14, 2003 10:16 PM from IP: 208.210.150.2

Someone once told me:
- I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life.
They do taste kinda funny,
but it keeps them on the knife.

Which reminds me, what is this obsession of you Americans with corn on the cob? Very uncivilized and messy! Okay, now you are going to retaliate by saying that we Europeans don't shower enough ;-)

Comment number: 001153   Posted by: Anna on July 15, 2003 03:54 AM from IP: 212.136.78.25

If the shoe fits...

Comment number: 001157   Posted by: Nick on July 15, 2003 06:30 AM from IP: 64.238.64.1

What's wrong with gravlax?

Comment number: 001161   Posted by: cd on July 15, 2003 11:46 AM from IP: 217.208.14.96

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