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Monday, 16 June
Words To Die By

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you The Worst Album Review Ever Written. It simply must be read to be believed. Your mind will rave at you: "Is this a joke? Was it written by hive-mind algae? Is it a garbled transmission from Polaris? What the fuck is this?" No answers will be forthcoming, and the empty world will howl around you while your brain burns in a massive cellular suicide.

Samples, in case you think I'm engaging in hyperbole:

Fittingly, Ulrich's scrapyard racket rang senselessly like quickening, imploding industry under filtered, stream-of-cliché riffing.

Imploding industry? What? Never mind, there's more:

ProTools never snorted ants up his FireWire from the side of the pool while urinating down a woman's dress.

Noted.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

I'm thinking the album sucked when listened to while on acid. It is modern day Metallica, after all.

Comment number: 000985   Posted by: beigy on June 16, 2003 05:59 PM from IP: 12.228.174.175

Actually, Skot, I thought that review was pretty funny and did a decent job of describing how the new Metallica record sounds, i.e. asstangular. It probably could have done just as good a job with a third of the words, but can't that be said about all Pitchfork reviews?

Comment number: 000986   Posted by: forrest on June 16, 2003 07:04 PM from IP: 64.81.50.66

Forrest, you are clearly snorting ants up your Firewire.

Comment number: 000987   Posted by: Skot on June 16, 2003 11:40 PM from IP: 63.187.241.55

That sounded like a hoity toity wine review or something. Why can't they just say "Metallica rocks!"?

Comment number: 000988   Posted by: Stacey on June 17, 2003 05:05 AM from IP: 69.22.6.66

Isreal, Marx, Fire ants?

This guy is:
1. 16 and trying to sound knowledgable while sticking Metallica in his headphones and Poli Sci texts up his *ss.
2. Snorting fireants
3. "the Jheri Curl of insincerity" (his words, not mine)

You decide, I have to take some time to regenerate all my braincells that committed suicide rather than be exposed to what I've just attempted to read.

Comment number: 000989   Posted by: Jamie on June 17, 2003 06:09 AM from IP: 199.196.44.129


I thought it was a pretty good review. Talking about music is pretty much impossible in any useful sense. No amount of words can ever convey to a listener how he or she will respond to a piece of music.

A music review that does something other than re-tread a million other reviews of a million different albums is worth more than one of those million other reviews.

Comment number: 000990   Posted by: i on June 17, 2003 08:22 AM from IP: 141.156.37.176

I thought that review was pretty funny
..
I thought it was a pretty good review.

@Looks like a few people have already failed the First Irregularily Scheduled Izzle Pfaff Readership Apptitude Test.@

Comment number: 000991   Posted by: Rob D. on June 17, 2003 08:40 AM from IP: 216.16.231.34

Come on, it was obviously designed to tweak the band about their anti-p2p stance. It's a fictionalized story that's designed to amuse more than inform or review.

The fact that is probably amused the writer more than the reader doesn't really matter all that much. That's what the web is great for.

Comment number: 000992   Posted by: Will on June 17, 2003 11:17 AM from IP: 66.120.227.130

I think Joe Strummer said it best (though in reference to Jonathan Richman): "If he's kidding, he's a genius."

I also agree with "i"--writing music reviews is hard if you don't want to tread the exact same ground as everyone else. Music writing is Taco Bell food--different arrangements of the same 5 ingredients, over and over.

Who was it that said, "Writing about music is like dancing about architecture"?

Comment number: 000993   Posted by: Bikeboy on June 17, 2003 11:21 AM from IP: 64.8.204.132

Come on, it was obviously designed to tweak the band about their anti-p2p stance. It's a fictionalized story that's designed to amuse more than inform or review.

I understand this. I just happen to think that it failed spectacularly to amuse, much less inform or review.

Comment number: 000994   Posted by: Skot on June 17, 2003 11:29 AM from IP: 140.107.120.123

the guy's name is brent decrescenzo??

Comment number: 000995   Posted by: moose on June 17, 2003 02:48 PM from IP: 63.227.130.7

I liked it. But then I read this webpage. Must get our fresh material somewhere, to snigger over.

Comment number: 000998   Posted by: albatross on June 18, 2003 05:54 AM from IP: 20.138.254.2

Who was it that said, "Writing about music is like dancing about architecture"?

Elvis Costello, apparently.

Comment number: 001023   Posted by: Hot Soup Girl on June 23, 2003 04:59 AM from IP: 203.217.43.72

maybe he used a random sentence generator or something.
that review was so stupid it gave me headache.

Comment number: 001031   Posted by: PePs on June 24, 2003 07:57 AM from IP: 202.57.81.96

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