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Tuesday, 22 April
Let's Not Root For The Home Team

Lights up on EDGAR MARTINEZ, who is reclining in an easy chair. His legs are covered in ugly casts.

Edgar: Hello! Pardon me for not getting up; I seem to have broken both my legs this morning as I put on my pants. Say, I wanted to introduce you to some of the 2003 Mariners! It's going to be an exciting season! Isn't that right, third baseman Jeff Cirillo?

The camera pulls back to reveal JEFF CIRILLO on all fours, acting as an ottoman for Edgar.

Jeff: I'm batting .163!

Edgar: You sure are!

Jeff: No HRs yet and none in sight!

Edgar: Ha! Ha! Ha! Shut up, Jeff. Anyway, we're a little banged up, for sure, but that's what happens when you're sixty-three years old. Isn't that right, phenom closer Kazuhiro Sasaki?

KAZUHIRO SASAKI enters the picture.

Kaz: You can say that again, Edgar! Hey, think fast!

Kaz hurls a mighty fastball at Edgar and misses by four feet. It impacts the skull of CARLOS GUILLEN, who happens to be passing by.

Edgar: Oh, no! You pulverized some guy's head!

BRET BOONE enters the picture.

Bret: That wasn't just some guy! That was our shortstop! Our mediocre shortstop!

Kaz: Hey, my arm fell off again.

Bret: Well, here comes Ichiro! Maybe he can carry us through the whole season!

ICHIRO flies at high velocity into the picture. He performs a series of complex ballet maneuvers and then leaps from wall to wall to wall like a deranged jumping spider. Finally, he comes more or less to rest, and stands vibrating madly.

Ichiro: Let us now meet some of our other players! Here's Randy Winn!

Randy: Hi. I'm bald.

Ichiro: And here's Mike Cameron!

Mike: I am also bald.

Ichiro: And here's Mark McLemore!

Mark: I'm almost bald.

Ichiro: Good for you, Mark! And of course we can't forget catcher Dan Wilson!

(Pause.)

Ichiro: Where's Dan?

Bret: We forgot him. He's back at the clubhouse.

Ichiro: Well, then it must be time to introduce our bullpen! Come on out, guys!

Several ANONYMOUS STREET BUMS enter.

Bum: Uh, we were promised showers and omelets.

Edgar: You know, these guys have real heart. And arms! Two apiece!

Ichiro: Well, folks, that's about all the time we have. We hoped to have Freddie Garcia here today, but unfortunately according to certain contractual nuances, he's busy being ground up into sausage, but we're hoping he can rebound from that setback and start not living up to expectations for us again.

Edgar: You said it, Itchy. So from all of us to all of you: thanks for being loyal Mariners fans! Good night!

As picture fades, JOHN OLERUD is seen jogging into the frame.

John: You guys are real dicks. I'm a gold glove winner, you know. Hey, what happened to Carlos?

Edgar: Who?

Blackout.


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Comments

Skot I sent this to a whole whack of M's fans :o)
Be warned....

(I love that Edgar's legs fell off while putting on his pants. HA!)

Comment number: 000737   Posted by: dayment on April 23, 2003 09:04 AM from IP: 208.12.30.204

Funny you should write this, I was just saying last night that no one is more suited to make the crossover leap from pro sports to acting than Edgar Martinez. I mean, have you SEEN his Home Depot commercial? What an ARTIST!

Comment number: 000740   Posted by: Krizzer on April 23, 2003 05:23 PM from IP: 12.229.253.255

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