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Monday, 21 April
Definitely Not Losing Perspective

As many of my tens of readers might know, two weeks from today, I will be married and in fact on a plane to wonderful Belgium for a two-week honeymoon in the land of BEER! and CHOCOLATE! and MUSSELS! and FUCK YOU, AMERICANS! We anticipate that it will be quite restful in between effigy-burnings, but for now, we are in full crazed mode, and spend our days holy-fucking around between various oh-shit thisses and my-god thats. But the really important thing to remember is, soon I will shut the fuck up about the whole thing and we can get back to the real crowd-pleasing stuff, like my frantic mutterings about earwigs or something.

Today we made a big decision about the processional music: we didn't want the traditional "Here Comes The Bride" glop, and we agonized for a while, but we finally went with "Mony Mony." That makes it kind of interactive! And it will really get us in the mood for later in the evening to see our parents' smiling faces in the audience lustily shouting "Hey! Get laid, get fucked!" as my bride makes her way down the aisle.

The other thing to iron out is the vows, which we are writing ourselves. Now, the fiancee is keeping things to herself, but I can let you guys in on what I'm working on, because she doesn't read my "horseshit website" anyway, as she puts it. See what you think so far.

My love, as I stand here with you in this Applebee's conference room, I am overcome with my feelings of love and my nausea. Give me one moment, my darling.

HARF! HARF! EEEUURGH! HARF!

Thank you, sweet.

We came to this fine family dining establishment as two; and we will leave as one. Not because I am fusing our bodies together at a molecular level as I originally anticipated--technological advances have not been all I had hoped--but in the metaphorical sense. And legal sense. And expectations-of-friends-who-have-bought-us-gravy-boats sense. But can our gravy-boat-buying friends know our hearts? Our souls? Our bank accounts? No, they cannot, because they aren't very good friends at all. This is why we poisoned the ham.

Only we can know us, and us is what allows we to know you and me, and we are all together. Do you understand, my umpky-pumpkin loaf? We are to be as one from this date on, my urple-wurple, one who is stronger than the two we were mere moments ago when we were not one and I had no legal access to half your stuff. But this is not the time to discuss massive financial insolvency, my woogie, tomorrow can wait for that. Tomorrow is for . . . oh, many things . . . darling, a murderous bookie rambling about runaway gambling debts is for tomorrow; we are for today.

Today, I vow to give you my all, my dearest. Will you give me your all? I really, really need it.

Sorry, ladies. This one is taken.

XOXOX | Skot | 21 Apr, 2003 |

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Comments

those are quite lovely. i hope you don't mind, but 30 years from now when i get married, i plan to quote you and use "urple-purple" to refer to my betrothed.

Comment number: 000731   Posted by: duff on April 22, 2003 07:39 AM from IP: 192.147.58.6

In a similar vein to the last commenter's veins, (though I don't care whether you mind or not) I'm going to go back in time and use your vow, word for word, in my own wedding, which was less than a year ago. I just watched the video for the first time the other night, just me, my wonderful bride, and the friend who's had the damned tape for six months and been unable to ever get the right kind of camera to show it to us on, all in a loving tangle of bodies on the couch, and while I was watching it I was thinking, "Man. I don't remember saying ANY of that. We picked those vows out - I remember picking out SOME vows, anyway, so I guess those are the ones we picked out, but I don't remember saying any of that. I wonder if I should've said something really more memorable?" And now, too late, I've found the more memorable words I should've said.

So while you're working on your molecular two-into-one entangler, I'm going to take my finished time-machine (adding the raisins-and-oatmeal to the fuel turned out to be the missing piece of the puzzle) and go back and relive...

Ack. Now that I just thought about that, I don't know that I necessarily want to relive that part up before the wedding. Man, that's some nerve-wracking business, ain't it?

Comment number: 000732   Posted by: i on April 22, 2003 08:05 AM from IP: 141.156.165.180

hey I'm one of your ten readers. And I'm from Belgium!!
Why the hell are you coming to Belgium?
Oooh well it's your honeymoon...
Just Kidding...you'll like it. I happen to be married to an american citizen and everytime my in laws arrive here, they leave 2 weeks later with an extra bag full of chocolates and beers or other belgian stuff. Oh well. just to let you know.
Congratulations anyway and...don't worry! your wedding day will pass by so fast you 'll wonder "what happened just there?".

Comment number: 000733   Posted by: David on April 22, 2003 08:16 AM from IP: 194.78.73.6

that's just the best vow ever. as someone who is getting hitched in the near future, i am utterly jealous and curbing my urge to plagiarize. only, i think that plagiarize wedding vows in a double sin. it's like naming your kid after a celebrity or stealing flowers from a strangers grave :)

Comment number: 000734   Posted by: Veronica on April 22, 2003 09:30 AM from IP: 216.99.224.6

Skot has moved beyond stealing flowers and now steals candy, hubcaps, and dance moves from strangers' graves.

Comment number: 000736   Posted by: Steve on April 22, 2003 10:39 AM from IP: 198.151.13.8

Something there in the middle of your vows made me think, why not just say "I am he as you are we and you are he and we are all together" and be done with it?

And it's not too late to change your aisle song to match.

Comment number: 000738   Posted by: marian on April 23, 2003 03:23 PM from IP: 64.114.150.131

How can you possibly spend two weeks in Belgium? One wrong left turn, miss your exit somewhere, or accidenlty hold the city map of Brussels upside down, and you end up in France, or Germany,or Luxembourg, or Holland, or, if you're very unlucky, in the North Sea.
Belgium is lovely though. I've been there a few times after forgetting to get off the train at the right stop in Holland. Antwerp is very nice, and Brugge is a must-see (I haven't personally been to Brugge, but back in the Middle Ages it was an important trade centre. Now it's a town attracting tourists because it was a main trade centre in the Middle Ages.)

Comment number: 000739   Posted by: Eva on April 23, 2003 04:41 PM from IP: 142.150.176.229

Hey, we're staying in Brugge! It's wunnerful. We will also be making excursions to Paris, Brussels and Amsterdam so as to experience a fuller, more nuanced Continental loathing for our nationality. Not that I blame them.

Comment number: 000741   Posted by: Skot on April 23, 2003 08:07 PM from IP: 63.187.233.47

Amsterdam! That's where I'm originally from, a suburb actually. No-I-don't-do-drugs-and-I-didn't-work-at-the-red-light-district (everyone always asks)

Comment number: 000742   Posted by: Eva on April 23, 2003 11:25 PM from IP: 142.150.176.229

My friend's new father-in-law convinced all involved to play "Do Wah Diddy" as the recessional music for their ceremony two weeks ago. You are not without precedent!

Congratulations and good luck.

Comment number: 000745   Posted by: David on April 24, 2003 09:19 AM from IP: 63.118.206.3

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