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Friday, 11 April
This Post Is Dedicated To My Friend Claxy, And His Hat

As usual, I stopped in to get my morning cup o' joe (for three dollars--I'm a tool) at my normal place, and was jabbering mindlessly with the barista guy. He's a nice, hyperactive fellow, has a kid, and is in a band, and possesses admirable, complicated sideburns, and is always good to me. I like the guy, and he entertains me sometimes by playing tapes of his band, whose music is a sort of indelibly ear-mauling skronk that wouldn't sound out of place in some Pigface outtake tapes. He's fun.

So it was with sad alarm that I happened to notice this morning that he has no ass. That just sucks, you know? He turned around to grab my yowling scalded milk, and there it wasn't: his jeans just kind of hung defeatedly off his waist, like the sails of a ship at dead calm. It depressed me terribly, especially when I realized that I was inadvertantly mentally evaluating some guy's ass.

This, naturally, caused me to speculate about my own ass. I pondered it as I walked to work, which isn't all that easy, because it's not like it's readily available for inspection. My mental picture of my own ass is probably imperfect, not only because it's on the back of me, but also because: who wants to carry around a clear image of anyone's ass around in one's head? So I can only speculate.

I think it's a pretty good ass. Feisty without being overbearing, I would say. Certainly downy, though this worries me a bit, for as I get older, there is the chance that the hair will coarsen, but I can't start worrying about that now. I also perceive that my ass has a charming heft and carriage.

And I do have some evidence to back me up, though it's less than empiric: in college, during the run of a particular play in which the cast wore very little, I was voted "best ass of the cast" by the actresses. Then again, none of them would have sex with me, so this might have been a mollifying sop to my ego.

I really shouldn't post on Fridays.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

I also will not have sex with you.

Comment number: 000651   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 05:59 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

hm.

Comment number: 000653   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 06:24 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

So.

Comment number: 000654   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 06:24 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

there's

Comment number: 000655   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 06:24 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

this

Comment number: 000656   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 06:24 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

game

Comment number: 000657   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 06:24 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

we

Comment number: 000658   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 06:24 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

play

Comment number: 000659   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 06:24 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

some-

Comment number: 000660   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 06:24 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

times.

Comment number: 000661   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 06:24 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

Called

Comment number: 000662   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 06:25 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

"snarfing."

Comment number: 000663   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 06:25 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

It works

Comment number: 000664   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 06:25 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

like this:

Comment number: 000665   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 06:25 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

MILQUETOAST.

Comment number: 000666   Posted by: claxy on April 11, 2003 06:25 PM from IP: 64.169.7.74

Skot--
I--and a number of audience members in Seattle and Vancouver--have seen your ass. It's just okay. I'm sorry. Try you some Buns of Steel.

Comment number: 000667   Posted by: Joe on April 11, 2003 07:39 PM from IP: 165.247.48.162

Somebody call for me?

Comment number: 000669   Posted by: Buns of Steel on April 11, 2003 08:47 PM from IP: 208.191.105.31

Damn you, Joe! The dream is over!

Comment number: 000670   Posted by: Skot on April 11, 2003 10:31 PM from IP: 63.187.224.237

Speaking of ass...

I was dating this guy who had no ass. I married him out of pity for his assless state. I finally divorced him because I couldn't stand his lack of ass.

There is only so much a girl can take, y'know?

Comment number: 000672   Posted by: Tara on April 12, 2003 04:08 PM from IP: 131.161.68.106

Oh thanks a bunch. I was doing just fine right up until "downy" -- going along thinking about jeans-covered asses, no problem. Then you had to go and say "downy", and now I'll be carrying that picture along with me for eternity.

Just for that: Picture this: pimply

Heh Heh.

Comment number: 000673   Posted by: kath on April 13, 2003 04:10 PM from IP: 142.167.40.18

Downy, shmowny, you'll be fine ... as long as you aren't suddenly bestowed with a nickname like "Fluffybottom."

Comment number: 000683   Posted by: Chuck on April 15, 2003 10:16 AM from IP: 64.236.249.8

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