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Don't ask me how this happened, but I just caught myself spacing out. I was fantasizing about how great it would be if the film director Kevin Smith was walking down the street, just maybe eating a hot dog or perhaps talking to someone else I hate, and then, without warning, a huge moving carpet of earwigs would swiftly consume him. He'd have only time to scream, "Oh my god, earwigs!" before succumbing, and one of his arms would weakly wave above the carnage, Hollywood-style, before it went down into the roil. Then the earwigs would vanish suddenly, and there would only be a pile of gleaming, untalented bones.
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Comments
Is this about Waterworld again? Shit, Skot, if you can't swim, you sure as fuck can't be in a movie filmed on the water!
I know you were disappointed. We really wanted you on board, so to speak. But the liability would have killed us. Move on.
Jeezus fucking christ on a crutch, you think everything's about you, don't you? He mentions "director" and "kevin" and you think he wants YOU to die in a sea of earwigs? Fuck you, man! I fucking hope you get sodomized by a fucking buffalo!
Oh, and Skot? Fuck you too, man.
Guys,losersguys. Why should we fight among ourselvestrying to steal my famewhen we have skotizzle thisto overthrow? He's our real enemydrinks my scotch, he's who we should be focusing our energiesbaldie and Joiseyagainst. Please, peace,losersbrothers.
- Barry Del Sherman was in Picture Perfect with me.
- Scott Bakula was in American Beauty with Barry Del Sherman.
- Brad has had Scott Bakula in his esteemed office.
- Brad and Skot have some weird relationship called "mutual elf hoism".
Whadd'ya know.
I was chosen. And I've wished a thousand times I could have been a normal man. Like Dom Zook, a common man with a common life. But wishing that is my sin. I can't have it and I shouldn't.
I meant what I said. I admire Dom Zook. I envy Dom Zook.
Envy is my sin.
You "gentlemen" may squabble amongst yourselves all day and all night as you please. It is patently clear Mr. K -- a man of great appetites and discerning tastes -- recognizes the best Kevin among you sea of poseurs.
I mean, he must, considering the little wanker sends me a fan letter praising my performance in Life as a House every. Damned. Day.
Look, I'm sure you guys are all just jealous of my Oscar-worthy performance. I just know that if it wasn't for that blasted Drunk #1, my name would be right up there on the marquee with luminaries such as yourselves.
Now where did I put that gin?
Fuck all of you, and fuck Skot especially. I don't need your recognition to be famous. Just check out my website. I'm fucking Hercules.
FREE ME!
Er, or something.
You people, despite your exquisite suckitude, have inspired me: a cross-over movie, hour-long comedrama on the WB -- no, no, FOX, FOX'll eat this up -- in which SKOT is MURDERED in the movie, and all of the suspects are Kevins. The movie introduces all of the characters, then during the show, one will get knocked off each season, as the beautiful teens, who are sarcastically unimpressed by skot, but nevertheless want to stop the murdering, gradually deduce who it is. BUT AT THE END! It turns out that all of the teens AND all of the Kevins did it, and the teens are getting rid of the witnesses.
Okay, I'm seriously, explain yourself!
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